Regarding Robin Williams – May god have mercy on his soul!
I know a lot about clinical depression…I worked in a psyche hospital…and experienced depression several times myself. I am never so far away that it doesn’t create fear in me. Throughout my life I have lapsed into depression that my family feared for me. But our God is bigger than any depression. Robin Williams and folks like him have no faith and do not know God on a personal level so they have no one to pull them up from the depths of despair. Losing a child to suicide like our niece, having a Mom on ventilators several times and not expected to live due to two attempts at suicide…my own battle in ER’s and ICU’…I can tell you depression is from Satan and it is as real as the air we breathe. Most people that have clinical depression suffer from a bi-polar disorder. They are either up or they are down. Like me I seem to have only two moods very happy, or very sad and it cycles on what is happening. When something happens out of my control…I go out of control…but my faith in God is stronger than my depression and He ropes me back in. Many years ago a friend once told me…“Estelle before you do anything wait until next Wednesday.” I asked her what she meant and she repeated the same thing. It took me awhile before I could read between the lines. This would be my advice to anyone who suffers from depression and contemplating doing harm to them selves or anyone else….”Wait until next Wednesday.”
By this poem you can see how little faith I had at that time.
This is the first poem I wrote while I was institutionalized at St. Vincent’s Hospital in New York City 1964 for Depression.
This strange black mood is so hard to explain.
I’m in it for days and here I remain.
Everything seems so dark and dreary.
My heart is heavy alone and weary.
I feel so tired, exhausted may be used.
For my heart was hurt and thus refused.
The stretch ahead appears too long.
And in my mind everything is wrong.
It’s so horrid to feel this way.
For my sins must I pay?
Oh Lord it’s getting so very dark.
I’m sinking deep and losing heart.
If I am paying for wrongs that I’ve done,
Please let it pass quickly before I run.
Have something good happen today or tomorrow.
So I will be able to get out of this sorrow.
I need so desperately peace of mind.
To feel once again well and fine.
Life is arduous as it must be.
With this black mood it’s impossible for me.
So I pray above to you whomever.
To take away this mood forever.
And if not so this can’t be done.
I fear my heart and I will run.
~~ Estelle P. Shrum